borneolady

Well, well…seems like it’s been quite a long time since i last blogged. Hmm…pretty much busy with work, social life and etc. Hehehe…seriously! The moment i though of typing in this blog, I’ll tend to get lazy. So in the end, just brush aside the idea..Haha..Sorry…

Life is improving, after all those tragedy that happened to me. But it’s not like we strike lottery or whatsover. No, no… it’s just that i got myself a decent job, parents arent so gloomy lately, etc. However, there was one thing that made me wrote this. I just dont know why I’ll have the urge to blog in here today.

Well, it’s like this. It all started when i read a friend’s blog. Then suddenly, this feeling came to me the moment i read it. I just dont know why. As in, I know everyone will have a history. But when i read the history of this friend way back to 2004, something strike me. I started thinking to myself, is it better not knowing something in the past rather than knowing it? I couldnt help thinking abt it at all. Upon reading this friend’s blog, I’m like….feeling a bit regretted. Ok, before opening this blog, I’d already warned myself. After reading it, I compared the current situation with the past. I felt a bit upset. But hey, i told myself, it’s already a history. Why should i bother so much abt it? Shouldnt i be appreciative abt what happen now?i’m much more luckier to have enjoy moments with this friend. Just dont understand why i’ll feel so bad about it…

Haha..maybe to some of u out there, u might understand what i meant. But to those who doesnt, I’m sorry…I dun think i want to continue blogging now. Maybe to sleep with it is the best solution. Better not create any problem.=( Take care pals. Any thing just share it with me. =) Sayonara~ Till we meet again.

It’s been almost more than a year already that he passed away. I still cant believe it. Sometimes, i still feel quite shaken by the tragic news. I knew pretty well that we cant take things for granted now. How come, till now only i truly understand the real meaning of taking someone for granted?? Only when i had lost someone whom i think ‘wasnt’ precious to me..it’s pretty saddening. My sis n friends told me not to think abt it anymore. Keep on going with life. But who will really knows what exactly happen in my heart?

That day, i watched ‘Spiderman 3′ with my friends. Out of a sudden, I was feeling so so devastated. I felt as if i were in Peter Parker’s situation when he was trying to take revenge for his demised uncle. I really felt like killing the bloody b*****d! No words can ever describe my anger. I really felt the lost. That particular night, i was extremely sad. Seemed do not know what to do..Felt weird…Where’s my bro? Where’s the guy whom I would alwiz go to whenever i wanna vent out my feelings? Where is he now? I couldnt help it but wish to have someone there..But i couldnt find anyone..There wasnt anyone in my mind except for u, my beloved bro, TC. I wished so much to hug someone at that particular time. To cry things out…But no one was there for me, TC…No one.. If only TC were here in this world, my life would be so much more happier. I’m now earning my own money d, bro. I tot u will be here to help share ‘use’ up my money…But where are u? Remember, before i graduated, I wished so much to earn a lot of money, so that i can buy many stuff for u, dad n mom. However now…It’s saddening sometimes, when i see sisters buying things for their bro…I wish TC, dat u r here…I wanna buy things for u. Trully…

Before u passed away TC, I felt so happy when i bought the pants for u..I dont mind to spend 100+ for the pair of pants. I really dont mind. I’m very happy that u appreciated it very much..glad to see the happiness in u. u only wore the pants for special occasion. Make that pants the special ones. That was the happiness that couldnt be described. But now, how could i ever had that feeling again? How could i ever feel the happiness of buying things for siblings? I wish so much u were here. ..I really wish!! I admit since i started working, i hadnt much time to think of u as i’m pretty busy with my work. But once in a while, ur presence is alwiz felt whenever ppl mentioned of bros or anything concern with u…

I wish somehow that u are never gone from this world. i wish u were here with me…seriously…i really cant replace u in daddy’s & mom’s heart..No never…Just wish that u were here with us. The home seemed quiet without ur teasing & laughter…How i wish u are really here with us…I really do..I dont mind u being naughty..I dont mind ur mischievous act. I dont mind u teasing me. I dont mind u calling me ‘fat sis’. I dont mind. I wont care n i promise not to scold u…provided u come back to us. I promise, i will not ill treat u. I promise will share with u some of my earnings. I promise, to take care of u. will u ever come back if i do all those? will u? i promise not to shout at u or call u names. will u?

I pray for ur happiness, TC. Do take good care up there. I wonder if u will ever still remember me in our next life..No matter wat it is, I pray & hope u will. No one can ever replace ur position in my heart…Love u lots bro..Anything u ‘need’ up there, just let me ‘know’ k?

Love very much,

sis

Happy Chinese Pig Year! The new year is approaching…in almost another week. I’m still not feeling the celebration like how i would used to. Not in the mood…wouldnt be in this year..this CNY would be the worst 1 for me & my family. There are many incidents that happened today that brought me here to pen down my feelings in this blog. First, I went to Segamat today (it’s my job). Witnessed a post-accident that happened. A motocyclist was badly injured as his motor banged into a Mercedes. He broken his legs and wasnt consciuous at first till people called him up. Was lucky as there is an ambulance that passed by. Quickly sent to the hosp. Wondering is the ambulance could made it on time, will my brother be saved? Will he also be celebrating this CNY with us?Now it’s only the three of us…Feeling a bit weird. I’m also afraid that the CNY is approching as i’ll be thinking of TC. My mom will be crying too at the mentioned of him. We missed him dearly. He was taken for granted when he was still alive. I would make him work more, helping out with the house cleaning. He would be quite lazy, but however, will get the things done for u. Then on the eve, after dinner at granny’s place we would go back, n he would either go online or whatever. On the first day of CNY, he would always be the latest to wake up. Around 11pm! Haha..My dad would always use the trick of increasing the volume of the CNY songs played on tv for TC to wake up. Cute guy, would be like so blur..come down, clean himself n have breakfast together. Then would lie on the bed again, watching tv, before mum forced him to get dressed n off to my granny’s place. Then, he would lead the children to play poker cards (nicknamed him "Head of the Children"). He likes children actually. Get very closed to them. Any of them. It’s so cute to see the way he smiled when he sees some chubby kids…and it’s be, ‘…jie, u c the boy…so cute man! so chubby..geram er… can i pinch his cheecks?’ And i’ll like, ‘…u try la’. He’d normally pinch them, provided not under the watchful eye of the parents’. During CNY, we would both rush for the tv controller. It’s quite fun in a sense. Haha…I remember once, the moment my mom opened the door, we would both rushed to the controller. As his legs are longer than mine, he would normally achieved it first…But it doesnt matter…Just for the fun of it. I’ll usually enjoyed my time with him. When he was still alive…i think he’s a nuisance…Now i regretted what i had mentioned. If only i could take back my words & have him back with me again. I dont like the emptiness feeling in me. I dont like the thinking of CNY without him. I just cant bear it..but i couldnt let my parents know…otherwise, it’ll be worse for them. How can i put on a mask when i’m unhappy myself?? I remembered the first year when i went to Sabah. I didnt come back that year for CNY itself. Guess what? My notti bro, called me on the eve n told me whatever nice food that he’s taking. Basket! N i oni have a simple steamboat with my frens. How i wish that i was back in Melaka. N then on the first day, he called me again. Asking me for ang pow! Haha….i jokingly asked him to share his ang pow with me…He told my mom, that I’m so poor thing, gotta celebrate in Sabah, without receiving any angpows there. So, this TC is willing to share his angpows with me. Mind u, this my lovable bro is very kedekut ok…damn kedekut 1…save every penny! N now he’s sharing his angpow with me…I touched my heart. Now at the thought of it, I’m like….dont know what to say..Just that my so-called devillish bro now turned out to be so angellish when i recalled everything. U know, when we were younger, i always cheated his angpows? Haha…Whenever any aunty passed me his share, i’ll keep that to myself. haha…then when we wanna banked in the money, i’ll always have more than him. but, he didnt mind at all.Either he knew, but keep silent or he really didnt know about it. Coz at times, he’ll be a bit blur..haha…But i love my bro…it’s been like almost 9 months, but those things during the funeral still stays vividly in my mind….y?? y this things happen to me?? aarrrgggghhh….hate it!!! Damn Ng Hann Bian! Fucker man! I hope things would not be well for him forever. Killer! Murderer! And know what? How would u feel if u did a mistake? Apologize rite? Till now, we still havent received any from this S.O.B***h. I wished i could kill him with a knife or just had him kill in an accident! I guess his upbringing wasnt so good too. Not even his parents were sorry or apologetic. No! Darn it! One fine day, he’ll stay behind bars…I really hope he does!!! Let him suffer & bully by the in-mates! Or maybe the Death Note book could help me. I want him to die mercilessly! For causing all this to me n my family. For changing the way we used to be…Here, TC, i wish that u’ll be happy & comfortable up there…If u r also celebrating CNY up there, dont forget to share with me ur angpows again ya. Dont so kedekut k. Go buy some new clothes la. Need anything let me ‘know’. Oh yah, TC, n dont gamble so much up there ar…Haha… Hope to have u as my bro again in our next lives. I promise to treat u much better than now…It’s a promise, bro.

I tried my best not to post too many of saddenning news in my blog. but i cant help it!!! Last friday (12/1/07), i received another news of someone close to me passed away…i knew this great guy when i was studying in UMS. He’s one of the most positive-thinking & cheerful guy i had ever met. He’s very helpful too…But, it seems like good guys never live long. He’s one of the tzu chi’s member. Very active in it. Unfortunately, 2 days before the incident happen, he went to the jungle with another 2 researchers, slipped & fell into the river. His body was only found 2days later. that was the particular day when i came to learn about the news…does nice ppl always have to die early? i just couldnt understand sometimes..they did no harm, but y are they the ones who died first? why??? my bro never did anything that harmed anyone..but he passed away before me..i wish i could take over his place…he’s such a great brother…at the very least,he has much brighter future than me. so that he can take good care of my parents and provide them the best. but me??even i myself are questioning my capabilities..i want the best for my parents..just dont understand life….

HAPPY NEW 2007 YEAR!!!~ hehe…notice that i use green fonts? It’s because green to me is fresh! hehe…so, i told myself that i’m going to start this year with a new beginning…no turning back at the history (hopefully…) To me 2006, was an extremely horrible year! Dont want to talk much about it.

Oh yah, i’ll like to continue sharing on what myfriends and I did for the New Year’s celebration. As my PD trip was cancelled and the road trip to the north was also out, we ended up celebrating it in Malacca..=(  But it didnt turn out to be as bad as i thought. We were really enjoying ourselves..hehe…sampat to the max! Didnt exactly have that much fun for years..I gotta thanks to my bunch of friends who had made it a wonderful day. After dinner at a Korean restaurant (had to wait about 30mins for the rice which cost RM5/ bowl), we went to the most happening place..*drum please!*  JONKER STREET!! Haha…alright, it’s quite happenning only la, I would say. But the crowd was huge. So we pick a right spot at Geographer cafe, and setled there for the countdown. A friend generously bought us a few cans of white spray! Yeah!! we really had a great time ‘attacking’ people with the spray! Hehe.. Imagine the stickiness on ur body after being ‘attacked’ by fellow 23-yr-old moroons! Haha..=P Wow, that was really fun though! It sort of like bring out the playfulness in everyone..It was mad…Imagine 23-yr-olds playing chasing & snatching of spray cans like a bunch of 5-yr-olds. Haha..=P I guess, the more details have to be censored here…hehe…But in conclusion, that particular night was fun. =) At least it made up for the cancellation of PD & road trip. It was quite worthwhile, after all…save money la, in a sense..(just to console myself k).

Okay so, what it my new year’s resolution? hhmm…a tough question. Come to think about it…let’s see from different aspects ya. For my career, well, i hope that i will achieve all my targets for the month and have a pay increment or a promotion by the end of the year (does that sounds possible??). In my love life…well, u would have guess it right..to have someone…hehe…As for my family, I wish i could provide all the happiness for my parents…So, do u think i can achieve all this or not? We’ll see……hehe…So, happy new year & may i achieve all my resolutions…!!hehe =)

It has been quite some time ever since i last wrote in this blog. Was busy with my new job lately…it might be tough for some…but, frankly speaking, i was quite enjoying it..maybe it could be that i’m still new…hehe…

The New Year is approaching…but i dont have any programme yet…=(  that’s the bad thing of being single..hai…back in Sabah, i would think that it was quite boring there…but no matter how bored i was, i still have some programmes. In the sense that i was invited to have dinner with friends and did some countdown, went for a movie, etc…but this time…hai…saddening..i remember once when my friend and I stayed outside the campus till the next morning just to celebrate the occasion. And in Sabah, the New Year’s celebration was quite fun. =) I sort of missed those times..(though, when I was back there, I wanted so badly to come back Malacca!) Funny, isnt it? Hai….So I was with my gang, thinking of what to do for the New Year. Initially we planned to go Port Dickson. But it might be cancelled because there are insufficient people. Only 4 of us…=( *Sigh* Then we planned for a day-trip to elsewhere in the north…but it wasnt confirmed yet…We’ll see about it.

It has been quite some time ever since i last wrote in this blog. Was busy with my new job lately…it might be tough for some…but, frankly speaking, i was quite enjoying it..maybe it could be that i’m still new…hehe…

The New Year is approaching…but i dont have any programme yet…=(  that’s the bad thing of being single..hai…back in Sabah, i would think that it was quite boring there…but no matter how bored i was, i still have some programmes. In the sense that i was invited to have dinner with friends and did some countdown, went for a movie, etc…but this time…hai…saddening..i remember once when my friend and I stayed outside the campus till the next morning just to celebrate the occasion. And in Sabah, the New Year’s celebration was quite fun. =) I sort of missed those times..(though, when I was back there, I wanted so badly to come back Malacca!) Funny, isnt it? Hai….So I was with my gang, thinking of what to do for the New Year. Initially we planned to go Port Dickson. But it might be cancelled because there are insufficient people. Only 4 of us…=( *Sigh* Then we planned for a day-trip to elsewhere in the north…but it wasnt confirmed yet…We’ll see about it.

Love…What is love? I want to share a true love that I’d witnessed with my own eyes. It’s about a pretty sweet lass. Her bf passed away nine months back. But she’s still missing him a lot..And I really mean a lot! She keeps on cling to those beautiful moments that they often shared together. I’m quite worry for her…It’s very pity to see this kinda love. Isnt love should be a happy thing instead? Why does love have to be a suffering thing for this poor lass…I was wondering..Why does God took away her love from her? Why is she being treated this way? I wished so much I could help her..But I know that their relationship is too intimate to be felt by third party. I just don’t know how I could help her..I’m feeling so helpless..I don’t want to see her like this. Just think about it, she’s only 20 and she had to be burdened with such an incident of losing her bf in an accident. And now, all she could do was just to write a letter each time she misses him….With no reply in return. Would you understand her feelings? It’s sure a very hard time for her especially in times when she needed someone. She appears to be strong, as if nothing has happened to her. But deep down, only she, her bf & God will know. She keeps his things properly even though he’s not here, she treated his family well, visiting them each time she comes back, she hears his recorded voice every night before she goes to sleep and she cries everytime she misses him. Why must she be treated this way? Why must God took her happiness, her bf away from her? Would someone please tell me how to help this poor lass? I don’t want to see her suffer like this because she is my sister. Not blood related, but someone whom is close enough to know about me & my family. I want her to start a new life..Cant bear to see her like this. Hopefully God will really help her as soon as possible. Love….is it something good or bad? Does it make someone happy or sad? Sigh…..

Dont know why as I sat in the car, I was looking at the seat next to me. It’s empty now…..gone forever…he used to sit behind the driver’s seat while me at the passenger’s seat…and now…he would crack some funny for the family…being the youngest, he seems living up to is title as the ‘charm’ of the family… Then, my memories went back to 22nd April 2006…

I was in the library the moment it opens. The following two days, i would be having my last paper n it would be hooray!! but, i wasnt in the mood to study…i just dunno why…something really bothers me..weird enough, i wasnt stress..hai…i just dunno how to describe it…however, i had no mood…to be frank, nothing really bothers me…just dont know why i’ll feel that way.. so i ask my usual gang to rent a car (remember i was in sabah) and we went out to unwind ourselves. treat ourselves to a hearty meal and car ride…haha…isnt it great? I couldnt sleep well too that particular nite…abt 10.30pm I msg my bro, but he didnt reply. as i was feeling uneasy..i couldnt help but to ’scold’ him thru my sms as he didnt pick up my call….i was very angry…

The next morning the very moment i woke up (8.36 am), my mum called me…she was crying over the phone..i couldnt hear what was she trying to tell. but i could sense that soemthing very bad happened to us. my dad,took over the phone and explain to me that my bro was killed in an accident! i was so shock! did i hear it right? my dad wouldnt be joking with things like dat. i felt empty…i run over to my good friends room and pour out to her. she just woke up too. but it isnt her usual wake up time…i cried and cried..and i told her i wanted to go back asap.she dunno how to console me as she knows that i was very close to my bro. i just dunno wat to do..then, i called my aunt. i wanted to tell her everything…i know i couldnt tok to my parents about my feelings at this moment. i was extremely sad…sad to the point where i have no appetite to eat…i couldnt feel the hungryness…i wasnt a person who loves to cry. i can hardly cry. but that particular day…i cried hard…i dont know wat to do…i dont even dare to imagine days without my bro…i know all i did was just crying and packing my stuff..i wanted to go back malacca…after much persuasion from my friends, i made my desicion to finished my exam and go back the day itself…i couldnt sleep in the nite. was forced by my room mate to sleep…but i couldnt sleep. oni manage a 3 hrs sleep and the following day, i had exam in the morning. i quickly packed my stuff and get back the same day itself.

In the plane..i was thinking about those times with my bro, tc…tc n i was very very close…though we had our ups n downs. i cried to myself. one of the stewardess realised and asked if i was ok…i lied. i couldnt imagine my bro in the coffin. the moment i reach klia, i hugged my dad…i knew he would be very sad too..maybe more than i do..u know fathers would always keep their feelings to themselves. during the journey back, he told me about my bro’s condition and etc.as we reached the ayer keroh toll,i asked my dad if i could choose not to see tc in the coffin…i darent see him…i wasnt willing to accept the fact that tc is gone. i collect my shattered pieces the moment i reach there. i pretended as if i could handle all this very well. but deep in…no one knows…how pain it is…no one will know the memories that tc n i shared all this 20 yrs…no one…i dont know how to cry in the public..i dont like ppl to sympatised with me…a group of his buddies was there the nite till about 3am. they were very helpful indeed. if without them, i think we wouldnt be that strong…

till this day, i still miss tc a lot..a lot…tc, where r u?? if u were able to come back, i promise i could give u anything…anything in the world…anything…i promise..i swear…got to stop here…tears rolling non stop now…sorry

Yeah!!! I received a mooncake today! Hehe…from someone special..mind you, DO NOT simply think…it’s from my so-called sis-in-law la…if i have the luck. Such a sweet darling. No wonder my bro will fall for her. Hehe…

Hai…sometimes…things are really weird..I may lose a brother…But after the incident, i gained a ’sister’, and also a few more friends (my bro’s good friends). They are my strength. Whenever I see them, they seems to be like my bro..Therefore, anything concerning them will also affect me in  way…For example, the mooncake…it seems like my bro had sent it to me..=) I might have think too much..but come to think of it…sometimes, relationship can be complicated. If my bro were still here, i dont think i would ever be so close to my ’sis’. Rite?

Therefore, we must really learn to appreciate the people surrounding us..they all (my ’sis’ n her friends) have been very nice to me n my parents. N we really appreciate that…It’s so touching at times…Thanks a lot, bros n sis!!

OK, back to the topic…i wonder, at times, we might seem to know the person well…but later to found out that we were wrong. People change and so does their surrounding. Dont get me wrong. I dont mean to blame them. i know and realise of the facts…but just cant bring myself to face it. N y, sometime, even your so-called enemy can be your closest friend? Hai…i oso dont understand it…Is it what the call ‘Life Facts’? It’s really complicate…Am i rite?? Hehe..