Nostalgia…A Confession
Dont know why as I sat in the car, I was looking at the seat next to me. It’s empty now…..gone forever…he used to sit behind the driver’s seat while me at the passenger’s seat…and now…he would crack some funny for the family…being the youngest, he seems living up to is title as the ‘charm’ of the family… Then, my memories went back to 22nd April 2006…
I was in the library the moment it opens. The following two days, i would be having my last paper n it would be hooray!! but, i wasnt in the mood to study…i just dunno why…something really bothers me..weird enough, i wasnt stress..hai…i just dunno how to describe it…however, i had no mood…to be frank, nothing really bothers me…just dont know why i’ll feel that way.. so i ask my usual gang to rent a car (remember i was in sabah) and we went out to unwind ourselves. treat ourselves to a hearty meal and car ride…haha…isnt it great? I couldnt sleep well too that particular nite…abt 10.30pm I msg my bro, but he didnt reply. as i was feeling uneasy..i couldnt help but to ’scold’ him thru my sms as he didnt pick up my call….i was very angry…
The next morning the very moment i woke up (8.36 am), my mum called me…she was crying over the phone..i couldnt hear what was she trying to tell. but i could sense that soemthing very bad happened to us. my dad,took over the phone and explain to me that my bro was killed in an accident! i was so shock! did i hear it right? my dad wouldnt be joking with things like dat. i felt empty…i run over to my good friends room and pour out to her. she just woke up too. but it isnt her usual wake up time…i cried and cried..and i told her i wanted to go back asap.she dunno how to console me as she knows that i was very close to my bro. i just dunno wat to do..then, i called my aunt. i wanted to tell her everything…i know i couldnt tok to my parents about my feelings at this moment. i was extremely sad…sad to the point where i have no appetite to eat…i couldnt feel the hungryness…i wasnt a person who loves to cry. i can hardly cry. but that particular day…i cried hard…i dont know wat to do…i dont even dare to imagine days without my bro…i know all i did was just crying and packing my stuff..i wanted to go back malacca…after much persuasion from my friends, i made my desicion to finished my exam and go back the day itself…i couldnt sleep in the nite. was forced by my room mate to sleep…but i couldnt sleep. oni manage a 3 hrs sleep and the following day, i had exam in the morning. i quickly packed my stuff and get back the same day itself.
In the plane..i was thinking about those times with my bro, tc…tc n i was very very close…though we had our ups n downs. i cried to myself. one of the stewardess realised and asked if i was ok…i lied. i couldnt imagine my bro in the coffin. the moment i reach klia, i hugged my dad…i knew he would be very sad too..maybe more than i do..u know fathers would always keep their feelings to themselves. during the journey back, he told me about my bro’s condition and etc.as we reached the ayer keroh toll,i asked my dad if i could choose not to see tc in the coffin…i darent see him…i wasnt willing to accept the fact that tc is gone. i collect my shattered pieces the moment i reach there. i pretended as if i could handle all this very well. but deep in…no one knows…how pain it is…no one will know the memories that tc n i shared all this 20 yrs…no one…i dont know how to cry in the public..i dont like ppl to sympatised with me…a group of his buddies was there the nite till about 3am. they were very helpful indeed. if without them, i think we wouldnt be that strong…
till this day, i still miss tc a lot..a lot…tc, where r u?? if u were able to come back, i promise i could give u anything…anything in the world…anything…i promise..i swear…got to stop here…tears rolling non stop now…sorry
November 2nd, 2006 at 7:43 pm
hey..dun b 2 sadla k..remember 2 eat wel n slep wel oso..muz take care of ur health o…miz ya!muacks:*
November 5th, 2006 at 12:19 am
i check my gmail just now.n i saw u hd update ur blog. i kno u will write all ur feeling n thing on der,so i quickly read it. ai…u alwiz console me n advise me not 2 miss tc so much,we nid 2 accept tc not around d. but, i kno u still vy vy sad n miss tc deeply.
how? there r no turning back..i kno what eva i said now oso cant console u.tc r so lucky in pass 20 years,coz got a caring n loving sister lke u.mayb is fated.
back to 22apr,received his msg on 10:25:55pm.i never noe it was d last msg i received from him.i oso called him.not miss call,is more than 10 calls.he not even pick uo my fon or reply me a msg.at dat moment,i nvr angry him,i thought he sleep d at home.(mayb dat time he busy playing dota game).i promised him in my msg dat i will wake him up 11am d next day,coz he work afternoon d next day.ai…but,i cant wake him up in d hospital.
y d world being so cruel?
i oso wana know wer is he now?
no one can even answer us dis ques.
so,appreciate every moment we had now lo.i oso duno wat 2 say.
really hope u can happy alwiz.n u get new job d.muz take care o.ur ’sis’ will alwiz here1.hehe..
oh ya,tomoro i start xm d,hope can do well.muz go study d..
November 6th, 2006 at 1:07 am
It is a difficult quarter in your life. The fact that I have not experience any such matters does not put me in a situation to tell you things will be alright and console you. But I do know how you feel. Although I was in Australia, I was informed about the incident by my gf the very next day after the incident and I called home to verify. I am stunned and at the same time worried about you. I kept thinking and picture in my head how things would be for you now. I know that god have been really rough on you already and I don’t expect him to be even cruel. Sometimes, when I think about this, it makes me not even want to believe that there is such thing as justice and equality in the world. But whatever it is, you’ve got to stay strong. I hope that things will be better for you and if you need any help, do let me know. You know that you are someone special to me, and I have always regard you like a sister. I always have…Please take care, and I hope that time will take the memories and sorrow along with it away from you.
December 3rd, 2006 at 8:05 am
don reali noe hw2 console u..bt i reali hope dat u ll alwiz happy and cheerful..nw ur de oni support in de hse..for ur dad..for ur beloved mom..so pls pls do take gud care of urself…
we ll alwiz be der 4 u and ur family..alwiz…
January 2nd, 2007 at 10:01 am
Dunno what sparked me to read ur blog suddenly today…first time… And what made me click on this entry… So randomly…
That day when I saw u arrive and on the funeral itself… You look strong on the outside… But I could feel it that you were in pain…
I may not have been the closest friend with him all these years… But everytime I went back to Malacca… i always thought of him and want to call him… But my pride tells me not to… Especially after I knew he and Chee Ping were together.. I was very happy for him but didn’t want to say anything…
Now I will regret all my life for all the occasions I never wished him and all the presents I didn’t give him.
I remember the first bday card he ever gave to me on the night at the wake, the one u choose with him for me… I went home and search so hard for it… I can’t find it… I lost it when I shifted house…
Will it matter if i find it again?