borneolady

Dont know why as I sat in the car, I was looking at the seat next to me. It’s empty now…..gone forever…he used to sit behind the driver’s seat while me at the passenger’s seat…and now…he would crack some funny for the family…being the youngest, he seems living up to is title as the ‘charm’ of the family… Then, my memories went back to 22nd April 2006…

I was in the library the moment it opens. The following two days, i would be having my last paper n it would be hooray!! but, i wasnt in the mood to study…i just dunno why…something really bothers me..weird enough, i wasnt stress..hai…i just dunno how to describe it…however, i had no mood…to be frank, nothing really bothers me…just dont know why i’ll feel that way.. so i ask my usual gang to rent a car (remember i was in sabah) and we went out to unwind ourselves. treat ourselves to a hearty meal and car ride…haha…isnt it great? I couldnt sleep well too that particular nite…abt 10.30pm I msg my bro, but he didnt reply. as i was feeling uneasy..i couldnt help but to ’scold’ him thru my sms as he didnt pick up my call….i was very angry…

The next morning the very moment i woke up (8.36 am), my mum called me…she was crying over the phone..i couldnt hear what was she trying to tell. but i could sense that soemthing very bad happened to us. my dad,took over the phone and explain to me that my bro was killed in an accident! i was so shock! did i hear it right? my dad wouldnt be joking with things like dat. i felt empty…i run over to my good friends room and pour out to her. she just woke up too. but it isnt her usual wake up time…i cried and cried..and i told her i wanted to go back asap.she dunno how to console me as she knows that i was very close to my bro. i just dunno wat to do..then, i called my aunt. i wanted to tell her everything…i know i couldnt tok to my parents about my feelings at this moment. i was extremely sad…sad to the point where i have no appetite to eat…i couldnt feel the hungryness…i wasnt a person who loves to cry. i can hardly cry. but that particular day…i cried hard…i dont know wat to do…i dont even dare to imagine days without my bro…i know all i did was just crying and packing my stuff..i wanted to go back malacca…after much persuasion from my friends, i made my desicion to finished my exam and go back the day itself…i couldnt sleep in the nite. was forced by my room mate to sleep…but i couldnt sleep. oni manage a 3 hrs sleep and the following day, i had exam in the morning. i quickly packed my stuff and get back the same day itself.

In the plane..i was thinking about those times with my bro, tc…tc n i was very very close…though we had our ups n downs. i cried to myself. one of the stewardess realised and asked if i was ok…i lied. i couldnt imagine my bro in the coffin. the moment i reach klia, i hugged my dad…i knew he would be very sad too..maybe more than i do..u know fathers would always keep their feelings to themselves. during the journey back, he told me about my bro’s condition and etc.as we reached the ayer keroh toll,i asked my dad if i could choose not to see tc in the coffin…i darent see him…i wasnt willing to accept the fact that tc is gone. i collect my shattered pieces the moment i reach there. i pretended as if i could handle all this very well. but deep in…no one knows…how pain it is…no one will know the memories that tc n i shared all this 20 yrs…no one…i dont know how to cry in the public..i dont like ppl to sympatised with me…a group of his buddies was there the nite till about 3am. they were very helpful indeed. if without them, i think we wouldnt be that strong…

till this day, i still miss tc a lot..a lot…tc, where r u?? if u were able to come back, i promise i could give u anything…anything in the world…anything…i promise..i swear…got to stop here…tears rolling non stop now…sorry